I birthed and mostly raised two sons. Those babies grew through multiple ups and downs in my life that dramatically affected theirs. Each had his own personal challenges, and despite all that, they have grown into a quality of manhood beyond my wildest dreams. Over the years, I held my breath in anticipation of their recriminations, even hatred of me for my parenting mistakes. But they never did that; it seems boys don’t do that to their mothers.
However, I’ve watched my friends raise their daughters and that parenting experience appears to be much different. Girls are hard on their Moms. I’m guessing it’s because the female parent serves as a role model, and girls expect from their mothers the perfection they wish to learn for themselves. Lucky me, I dodged that bullet, but I also missed the intimate friendship that I see many mothers and daughters manage to create through the struggles. That is, until my sons each in his own time, found wives. In making those choices, my boys gave me the daughters I never had...and without the battles with diapers, puberty, and adolescence. I just got a couple incredible young women added to my life.
The first showed up over 20 years ago. She’s a stunningly beautiful and fragile-looking blonde with a mouth like a sailor and a spirit that matches my older son’s let’s-cheat-death approach to adventure. She often makes me laugh sometimes when she’s not trying. I know she’ll tell me the truth, even when it hurts...so I do get a taste of that ‘hard on moms’ thing. And, she has stuck with my oldest through some brutally difficult situations because she loves him with a devotion I never thought possible in adults. And he returns her love with the same ferocity; they are my relationship heroes.
Over the years this one has taught me to cook good vegetarian meals and helped me discover the negative impact of tofu on my digestive system. She’s helped me to strengthen my aging body; even teaching me Pilates by Zoom. She’s supported me in my woes and celebrated my triumphs. I’ve tried to do the same for her, and she has graciously accepted my mothering even when it was likely a bit much. We sometimes disagree on politics and philosophy, sometimes heatedly, but always with respect. In fact, there’s not much about this woman that is casual; her personality is strong, her passions hot...for justice, intelligence, nature, family, love, and animals. I am eternally grateful to my son for bringing her into our family. In addition, she’s always ready to instigate a dance party.
My other daughter came to me more recently when she married my younger son. After several false starts, he knew instantly that this was The One. She is exotically beautiful, smart, highly energetic, and strong enough to stand up to his big personality. They share their careers, their love of travel and their hilarious dogs, and they always seem to be laughing along the way. She is forever conjuring new ways to grow their various business ventures applying her people savvy to his practical skills, and it works.
This daughter enthusiastically embraced our family and honors me as her second mother. She seeks ways for us to connect, including Zoom painting lessons, regular photos of their life together and a no obstacles attitude to obtain anything I wish. When I said I was saving for an eBike, it was this daughter who managed to find the perfect model – for free -- and deliver it personally on a 36-hour train ride with her equally eager spouse. There are no obstacles for her, nor for her and my son together. When they set a goal, they get there even if the path requires some creative detours. My son’s love and loyalty to his family has been amplified exponentially by his union with her. I am always excited to learn about their next adventure...They live a big life, and they share it with great generosity. This daughter loves my son, she’s teaching him to trust deeply, and for that I am not only grateful to her. I am grateful for her.
I am saddened to hear stories from my friends who conflict with their daughters-in-law. And maybe I would too if they lived close by, but I’d be more than willing to test that. I cannot get enough time with my daughters, their husbands...my family. Every year we vow to spend more time together despite busy lives and the many miles between us; it just makes the time we do share more precious...and I believe we all agree on that.
I just thank the fates – and my sons’ good sense -- that brought these young goddesses into my life. Who knew daughters could be so brilliant?
Great read! Awesome family….
My boys mother and I were too scared to attempt a third child after they were born 17 months apart 30 or so years ago. Our family hadn’t birthed one girl in a generation, and though I really wanted a daughter I hoped that this desire would be fulfilled later through my son’s girlfriends and partners. And so it has, though the girlfriend part was often an emotional rollercoaster for the boys…and me, the wonderful daughters-in-law provide similar joy and love that you described….and without the drama and trauma that my friends reported of raising their teenage daughters…hah! Thanks for the gift of your writing ❤️.